Random LotR
by Eldalie-mela
Summary: What happens when an idiot writes.
1. Smelly Letters

This is NOT an author's note; I repeat this is not an author's note. It is actually a paragraph having a midlife crisis thinking it is the top half of a sandwich. Unfortunately my fanfic is encouraging it by role-playing the lunch meat. . .  
  
~ A letter to the Elf.  
  
Dear Legolas, I am not a deranged stalker. But I would like to smell you. ~  
  
Oh dear, another paragraph that is having a midlife crisis thinking it is the bottom of the sandwich. Oh dear, that is all I have to say and I don't think two sentences qualifies for a paragraph. Here's the required third. 


	2. Elves Love Dolphins

~Elves love dolphins~  
  
The elves love themselves.  
  
The elves also love dolphins.  
  
Everyone loves dolphins.  
  
Unless of course the dolphin tries to eat you or drown you.  
  
Then generally, you do not tend to like dolphins much. 


	3. Elrond's Nappy

~Elrond's Nappy~  
  
Elrond has a weak bladder.  
  
He gets over excited easily.  
  
When he gets over excited he pees.  
  
He does this a lot.  
  
Galadriel makes him wear diapers.  
  
Elrond gets nappy rash.  
  
A lot. 


	4. Why Gimli is Cranky

~Why Gimli is Cranky~  
  
Gimli gets cranky.  
  
A lot.  
  
It's because his mum bought him a nose hair clipper.  
  
He was happy.  
  
He used it.  
  
It got tangled in his nose hairs.  
  
It hasn't been seen since. 


	5. Aragorn's Secret

~ Aragorn's Secret~  
  
Aragorn has a secret.  
  
Ever wondered how he stayed afloat when he fell into the raging waters?  
  
Before the Lord of the Rings trilogy, he auditioned for Bay Watch.  
  
He learnt all the lines and learnt how to swim.  
  
They didn't want him.  
  
He was too flat chested. 


	6. Celeborn's Thoughts

~Celeborn's Thoughts~  
  
Celeborn is thinking.  
  
Galadriel knows what Celeborn is thinking.  
  
Celeborn is annoyed.  
  
He was thinking secret thoughts.  
  
Galadriel knows Celeborn is annoyed.  
  
Celeborn is angry that Galadriel knows he is annoyed.  
  
Over-communication can be a problem in marriages too. 


	7. Legolas' Old Job

~Legolas's Old Job~  
  
Legolas use to work as Cupid.  
  
But he got fired.  
  
He kept forgetting to change his real sharp arrows for lurve spell arrows.  
  
Legolas killed 496 lovers before Saint Valentine pointed out the problem.  
  
Everyone was so grateful, they named a day after Valentine.  
  
Legolas got jealous.  
  
He shot Mr Valentine.  
  
The Legolas toll is now 497. 


	8. Frodo is Trendy

~Frodo is Trendy~  
  
Frodo was a trend-setter.  
  
He started the whole ring around the neck thing.  
  
Everyone did it.  
  
Now he likes to wear rings on his toes.  
  
But only because Gollum bit off his ring finger. 


	9. Sam isn't Trendy

~Sam isn't Trendy~  
  
Sam wants to be like Frodo.  
  
Frodo is trendy.  
  
Sam isn't.  
  
Sam tried to make being hairy cool.  
  
The waxing industry boomed.  
  
Gillette sponsored Sam as their "before" man. 


	10. Legolas is Confused

~Legolas is Confused~  
  
Legolas is confused.  
  
Everyone keeps calling him Orlando.  
  
Legolas thought Orlando had something to do with Florida.  
  
They all told him it was to do with England.  
  
Thanks to them, Legolas failed Geography. 


	11. Boromir's Ficlet on Fillets

~Boromir's Ficlet on Fillets~  
  
Boromir wanted to feature in a random ficlet.  
  
Unfortunately his writing is not too neat and the word ficlet looked like fillet.  
  
KFC used him in their original fillet burger.  
  
KFC decided to call it the Lord of the Rings Meal Deal. 


	12. Haldir's Death

~Haldir's Death~  
  
Haldir was angry.  
  
Peter Jackson was planning to kill him at Helm's Deep.  
  
Everyone knows Haldir doesn't die at Helm's Deep.  
  
"I'll show him." Thought Haldir.  
  
"He'll be sorry he tried to kill me." He muttered mutinously.  
  
And so, to spite Mr. Jackson,  
  
Haldir committed suicide. 


	13. Pippin's Pinecone

~Pippin's Pinecone~  
  
Pippin found a pinecone in Treebeard's hair.  
  
He kept it for a keepsake.  
  
He covered it in glitter and sequins.  
  
Then he ate it. 


	14. Merry Christmas

~Merry Christmas~  
  
Merry was wondering.  
  
Everyone kept yelling out Christmas to him.  
  
"Merry, Christmas!" Everyone kept saying.  
  
He wondered how everyone knew his name.  
  
Merry soon put two and two together and figured it was a seasonal greeting.  
  
Unfortunately, his math's isn't too good and he got 5.  
  
He kept yelling "I'm Christmas!" 


	15. This is not Illegal

~This is not Illegal~  
  
Because Treebeard is pondering this,  
  
It is not an author's note.  
  
Treebeard is pondering that what the world has come to,  
  
When a much older sister is called immature by a little brat of a much younger brother? 


	16. A Lost Fellowship

~A Lost Fellowship~  
  
The fellowship is lost in the Mines of Moria.  
  
Aragorn knows this, Legolas knows this,  
  
Heck- they all know it.  
  
But Gandalf is in denial.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous." He pompously proclaims,  
  
"I know this place like the back of my hand."  
  
He suddenly looks at his middle finger,  
  
"Oh, where'd that one come from?" 


	17. Glorfindel's Mistake

A/N- Sorry if I spelt Glorfindel wrong, please don't decapitate me *sob*. Most of you know poor old Glorfindel. If you don't go away, or blame it on my brother, I always do.  
  
~Glorfindel's Mistake~  
  
Glorfindel was skipping through the forest.  
  
Glorfindel was feeling very happy.  
  
But all of a sudden he needed to pee.  
  
Glorfindel thought it would be alright to take aim on a nearby tree.  
  
Glorfindel took aim on his victim.  
  
Unfortunately, the tree was actually an ent.  
  
The ent was angry that Glorfindel had peed on him,  
  
And so returned the favour. 


	18. Gandalf and Frodo

~Gandalf and Frodo~  
  
Gandalf threw a ball.  
  
"Fetch." He commanded Frodo.  
  
"Do you think I'm a dog, Gandalf?" cried Frodo.  
  
"Frodo," said Gandalf, "I am sorry."  
  
They never spoke of it again. 


	19. Sam's Makeover

~Sam's Makeover~  
  
Sam was tired of being the dull and boring hobbit.  
  
He wanted to be quick witted,  
  
And have a sharp tongue.  
  
And so he used a pencil sharpener.  
  
It hurt.  
  
A lot. 


	20. Sam's Makeover Mistake

~Sam's Makeover Mistake~  
  
Sam had made a decision.  
  
He had decided what the point of a sharp tongue is,  
  
If you do not have a sharp mind?  
  
And so, he used the pencil sharpener once more.  
  
He never really was the same again. 


	21. Denethor's Insulted

~Denethor's Insulted~  
  
Denethor is feeling insulted.  
  
The fellowship had a party.  
  
Denethor danced at the party.  
  
A lot.  
  
He thought he was quite good.  
  
But Legolas called him Disco-cleavage Denethor.  
  
Think about it. 


	22. Gandalf's Philosophy

~Gandalf's Philosophy~  
  
Gandalf thinks he is philosophical.  
  
And so he is pondering the meaning.  
  
But not of life,  
  
Gandalf thinks pondering about life is infantile.  
  
He is an educated wizard who ponders indefinite thoughts.  
  
Right now,  
  
Gandalf is pondering the meaning of permanent markers. 


	23. Faramir's Bad Habit

A/N This ficlet is dedicated to FaramirForever- it's not real funny but enjoy!  
  
~Faramir's Bad Habit~  
  
Faramir likes to kick people.  
  
That's why Denethor doesn't like him much.  
  
One day Denethor was standing around doing nothing,  
  
And Faramir kicked him in the butt.  
  
"It wobbles!" Exclaimed Faramir.  
  
And indeed it did. 


	24. Saruman's Chicken

~Saruman's Chicken~  
  
Saruman got a new pet chicken.  
  
He loved it heaps.  
  
Saruman cuddled it,  
  
He fed it,  
  
And even cleaned up after it.  
  
But the chicken pecked his eyes out.  
  
So Saruman ate it. 


	25. Eowyn's Mission

Eowyn's Mission  
  
Eowyn had a plan.  
  
A plan to get rid of Arwen once and for all.  
  
"It's a very clever plan" Thought Eowyn,  
  
"It's sure to work."  
  
So Eowyn went up to Arwen and  
  
Flicked her on the nose.  
  
It didn't work. 


	26. Eomer's Limp

~Eomer's Limp~  
  
Eomer was walking with a limp.  
  
He did not know why.  
  
"Perhaps I pulled a muscle killing that orc?" He thought.  
  
Little did Eomer know,  
  
There was actually a spoon in his boot. 


	27. Gollum's Girlfriend

~Gollum's Girlfriend~  
  
Gollum use to have a girlfriend.  
  
It's true.  
  
They didn't go out for long though.  
  
That's because his girlfriend thought that  
  
Gollum wasn't being his individual self anymore. 


	28. Sauron's Problem

~Sauron's Problem~  
  
Ever notice how Sauron's evilness occurs in cycles.  
  
You know, one age no one hears from him,  
  
The next age it's hell.  
  
This is because Sauron isn't really a man.  
  
That's right,  
  
Sauron gets PMS. 


	29. Cupcake Cheer

~Cupcake Cheer~  
  
Arwen and Eowyn are having a fist fight.  
  
Eomer is cheering for Eowyn,  
  
Aragorn is cheering for Arwen.  
  
Legolas is eating a cupcake. 


	30. Pippin's Sunburn

~Pippin's Sunburn~  
  
"I got burnt today!" Exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Indeed you did," Noted Aragorn, "I see your nose is red."  
  
"Oh! And my arms too." Pippin pointed out,  
  
"And, I had clothes on!" 


	31. Slow Reflexes

~Slow Reflexes~  
  
Legolas thought Aragorn was feeling unwell.  
  
"I know," He thought, "I'll test his reflexes."  
  
So Legolas shot Aragorn in the leg with an arrow. 


	32. Gollum's Adventure

~Gollum's Adventure~  
  
One day,  
  
Gollum was walking down a path, right?  
  
And that's it. 


	33. Sam's Randomness

~Sam's Randomness~  
  
Sam was trying to be random.  
  
He was trying his hardest,  
  
He ran up to Gimli and cried out,  
  
"Constipation is like a broken record!"  
  
Gimli hit him. 


	34. Aragorn's Timeline

Aragorn's Timeline  
  
"Six months before I can see my love, Arwen, again." Sighed Aragorn.  
  
"I suppose six months isn't that much- it will pass quickly." He told himself.  
  
"A lot can happen in six months!" Cried Gandalf, "You could lose your head!" 


	35. Elrond's Skill

Elrond's Skills  
  
Sometimes Elrond likes to sing.  
  
Especially in the shower, with his clothes on.  
  
Sometimes, he shaves his eyebrows while he sings.  
  
He likes to think he is multi-talented. 


	36. True Story

True Story

One day, yesterday in fact, the author of this ficlet decided to go clothes shopping.

She found a real cute skirt and was trying it on.

"Hmmm," she said "It's a bit tight, maybe I should go the next size up?"

So she called the shop assistant over and asked for the next size in the skirt.

The shop assistant looked at her weird and said,

"That's a boob tube."


End file.
